Peace on Earth....

Ever feel like your life is spinning out of control? That's mine right now. I ache all over and can't focus on anything. I need a good cry but can't seem to muster one for anything. I wonder so often when God will say "enough" and remove some of the trials from my life. Is it selfish and wrong of me to wish my burdens were less, even if just for a time? I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. I know I haven't pursued God as I should recently. I feel rather empty and I know I should be more active in seeking Him. None of the excuses I make count for much. Do I blame God? Not in light of my inaction. Do I wish He would make life easier? Yes, very much so. This is a selfish reaction and an empty plea to the God who manages the universe and sets the planets in motion. I know He knows my heart, and as confused and inside out as it is, I think it's time to step out in faith and seek Him more for the answers I don't have. I need peace. I need to not feel like at any moment, something else is going to happen that will yet again destroy my trust and turn my life upside down. In my life, every person I've ever chosen to trust with everything has let me down, excluding only my husband. Will the vicious cycle ever end?

Crying Out

I've had several days over the last few months where I'm quite frankly consumed with anger, and today is definitely the worst. Tough because I get to see him in one week and I feel I should be excited about the visit, not furious at the world. These periods of anger sometimes start with a little jealousy towards my husband, or frustration that he can't be here, or any of a plethora of other causes, but the result is always the same: mind-blowing anger that keeps me from sleeping, causes me to push my husband as far away as I can, and the insatiable desire to get drunk and have a knock-down drag-out fight with someone twice my size.

I haven't cried since he left for mobilization training over a month ago. There are a few tears tonight, but I wouldn't call it crying, just a little seeping from the corners of my eyes since my emotions are so strong. I was doing some reading on a few of my favorite military wives websites, because sometimes those get my tears rolling, and came across what I believe to be the true reason behind my anger. I am terrified. I have lost all control of the center of my life and there's nothing I can do to get it back. I miss my husband so badly it hurts and I know that while I'll see him this weekend, they're taking him away again and neither of us have any idea for how long. He could be killed in action. He could come back with an unrecognizable personality, be clinically depressed, or have PTSD so I can't even touch him at night.

Even bigger are my fears of the less concrete. We've only been married a few months, but I don't know how to do life without him. Sure, I know how to pay the bills, get the car repaired, and call a plumber, no prob. But when those moments come I break inside because he is not here to care for me. My emotions are crumbling and I can't see the light at the other end of this tunnel. I hate the army. I hate the barrier it places in our communication. I hate that he cannot so much as brush his fingers against my cheek to comfort me and wipe away the tears that just won't come. I am so afraid of being alone, especially since the rest of my family is falling apart too. I don't have anywhere to turn to when I need to yell, scream, and rant about the pain I feel. All of me hurts and I can't focus to perform the most menial tasks. The fear of the unknown amount of time before me is crippling.

I know I will survive. But I am so young. So alone. To what tangible source can I turn? Why does God allow so much at once? Have I not been tested enough for now?